fact my last blog entry. Please don't cry or anything about this, I am sure you will find other (and admittedly less interesting ways ;) to fill you time on the internet.... so sentimentalities aside, let's get started.
2. Interaction with locals through soccer and basketball
During my time in Cape Town, the thing I looked forward to most each day was playing soccer with the Ocean View kids. To be honest, it wasn’t always easy to get up out of bed day after day, trying to find the energy to do what I went there to do. Life was often very busy and stressful and it certainly took a toll.
This toll was most often more mental than physical. One thing that kept me going was the fact that I had this wonderful opportunity to play soccer in Africa with many kids who I had grown to care about and love. I really can not think of two things that I love doing more, playing sports and ministry. Combining the two was such a natural and effective way for me to connect with these kids.
Every Wednesday night for several weeks I would go and play basketball with some of the locals in Ocean View. This was also a great way to connect with some of the people in the township. Unfortunately, I only had the opportunity to play with them a couple of times because renting the court became too expensive. If you want to read more about the Basketball, here is a link to an early blog entry talking about it in a little more detail:
(my experience while playing basketball starts on paragraph 5)
Sometimes I fought with the kids. Play fights, but they were still very tiring. If a kid stole the ball from me while we were playing, I would sometimes pick them up and twirl them around to get the ball back. Often times play would then stop and all the boys would attack me. Each one wanting to get picked up and twirled around, thrown over my shoulder, or held upside down. They would throw punches at me and I would throw them back. They would jump on my back (several at a time) and I would flip them over and proceed to the next child. It was all a very tiring experience and these kids seemed to never ever run out of energy. I would literally need to run away from them in order to stop the play fighting, there was never a time when I could have claimed that I won the fight! So I tended to avoid fights with dozens of Ocean View boys (and a couple girls)... But nevertheless they happened often, and the kids loved them. But soccer, playing soccer with the kids, giving them high fives and doing those overdramatic World Cup celebrations after scoring was so memorable. I love how God gave us sports.
For those of you who play sports, you know in sports the connections you make with others is so unique from other areas in life. It was such a great way to connect with and love on these kids, and that’s why its an easy choice for my #2 of my top 10!
1. Samaritans Feet & Cape Point in the same day
This summer was easily the most meaningful and enjoyable summer I’ve had. There is one day that stood out for me among the rest and it was the day I got to partake in Samaritans Feet and climb Cape Point. Samaritans Feet is a great organization that gives shoes to kids in poverty while sharing the relevant message of Christ.
I had the opportunity to share with the kids a story which hopefully ignited some kid of curiosity about Christ for the first half of that Friday morning. In the second half of the morning, I got to sit down in front of each kid and wash their feet. While I was washing a child’s feet we would talk about their future hope and dreams. It was a great opportunity to be intimate with someone and share in a very real and direct way the gospel. I absolutely loved this chance to tell the kids about how my Savior Jesus loves me and died for me, but he didn’t just die for me. Their creator, the one who made the sun, the moon, the earth, and the sea decided to come down and spend some time with us and even die for us. It was a beautiful thing.
Later on in the day, My friend Brennon and I decided to go to Cape Point.
We hiked up a path to Cape Point and saw where the Indian and Atlantic Oceans meet. We decided to hike some paths that we weren’t supposed to hike. You see, there was this shirt hanging over the no entry sign and it -somehow- fell down to cover the sign up, so we could hike the trail! Good times. After exploring Cape Point, we decided to head over to the Cape of Good Hope. This is the most South-Western Point on the continent of Africa. I can honestly say that I have never seen anything so beautiful. The massive clear waves crashing up against the gorgeous cliffs during a sunset was enough to take your breath away. Brennon and I then proceeded to rock climb up the face of the cliff. It was definitely an unforgettable experience. We encountered an Ostrich on our way back. In fact, one Ostrich even popped out of the grass and ran along next to our car for about ten seconds while we were leaving!
Seeing the beauty of God’s creation in both the stunning cliffs of Cape Point and in the hearts of his children makes an easy choice for #1 in my Top 10 memories!
As you may know, this is my last blog entry for this summers mission trip. The purpose of this blog was designed initially to help me raise support and then give those of you who gave, a way to keep track of where and how the money you gave was being used. So to those of you who supported me, whether through finance or prayer, this whole summers blog is dedicated to you! Don’t you feel special? But seriously, I know this mission trip would not have been possible if it were not for all those who helped me get there and stay there. Money is tight these days and I am so very thankful and appreciative to those who gave of their hard earned cash!
This trip was life-altering. Some people have asked if it was life-changing, but I don’t think I am a different person. But it has certainly helped me gain a much more accurate world view (or at least I think it is more accurate). I have gained significant missions experience and have learned a thing or two about how to more efficiently minister to others.
I hate kids, or at least I usedto hate kids until this trip. I thought I was going to be hanging out with and ministering on a relational level with teens, and that didn’t happen. At first I was upset about that fact but eventually I started getting closer to and learning how to interact with the kids. Now, kids don’t scare me anymore, I know how to interact with them and have fun with them, and I certainly don’t “hate kids” anymore! This and so much more has been a part of my growth since leaving for Cape Town nearly three months ago.
It is so hard to put into words or sum up all my feelings about the trip. I had so many wonderful (and not so wonderful) experiences there is no way I can write about them or even remember them all! In the ten weeks I spent there I grew to care about and love the people of that country. I can only hope that I have had some kind of lasting impact for Christ on these peoples lives, but I know they have influenced me more than I could have ever influenced them. I thank God for the opportunity he presented this summer and I look forward to what he will do for the people of Ocean View, Living Grace, Living Hope, and all of South Africa in the coming years!
If for some strange reason you have enjoyed reading my blog this summer and would like to read more of what I have to say. I am starting a little blog where I will write down my Beliefs, Ideas, and Thoughts (b.i.t.’s) that are in my mind throughout my normal daily life. I hope this blog will continue my ministry in a more subtle but thoughtful manner. Here’s the link if you want to check it out sometime: http://joshuasheppard.blogspot.com/
Thanks so much for stopping by! If this is your first time stopping by the blog, or if you haven’t read it in awhile, be sure to check my previous post covering the first four of my “Top Ten Memories.”
Without further ado, lets get started:
6. My first weekend exploring South Africa
After my first few days in South Africa I was often bored to tears at night after my time at Living Hope and with the Ocean View kids. Thankfully, a ton of people showed up not long after I arrived.
Their first Saturday here we decided to rent a car. We picked up Big Ol’ Betty (Bob) and decided to simply explore the nearby area. We decided to drive to a local marketplace called Simon’s Town. Actually, I didn’t really decide, the girls did... You see it was myself and 5 girls that decided to go on this little trip! After they shopped we went to eat lunch at a very nice restaurant
called Bertha’s. Bertha’s had a very nice view of the water and the quality of the lunch was amazing. It was there I first learned that Cape Town was definitely more wealthy and nice than I would have imagined. After my favorite meal of the summer at Bertha’s we decided to simply drive along the coast. This drive from Simon’s Town to Cape Point is incredible.
The views were indescribable and the weather was fantastic. I was upset that I had to drive because I couldn’t soak in all of the beauty that was around us (I think the girls were upset I was driving but for different reasons ;). Every turn someone would “wow” or simply be in awe of the clear water crashing against the massive cliffs. We stopped on the beach and took several photos. The day was truly great and I can’t really explain it to you adequately. Unfortunately the more you live there the more you take for granted the beauty around you. Over the coarse of the trip I noticed how this began to happen to me and it made me wonder what else I have been taking for granted throughout my life.
One thing that I never did get used to was the gap between the beauty and the ugliness of S.A. All of that wealth and beauty was literally ten minutes away from many starving, lonely, and sick children and adults living in tiny tin shacks. It shocked me when we were driving back from the beautiful scenery to the devastation found in many living situations nearby. A moving and blessed day it was.
(Myself and some of the guys at Living Grace - top) (Aunt Joan & Uncle Jack - middle)
5.Working At Living Grace
This one is going to be hard to summarize... After the World Cup ended and children were supposed to go back to school, we stopped having holiday clubs from morning to the afternoon, to only having them in the afternoon. This gave me free time in the mornings to work with the homeless through Living Grace. It was here that I spent many a time singing loudly and off tune with dozens of the homeless. It was here that I spent hours sorting through rotten donated vegetables and fruits, cutting them, and cooking them in a massive bowl of soup.
The people I got to know here were a true joy during my time there. I will always remember Auntie Joan and Uncle John for what they did there and what they are still doing for the Lord. I also had the opportunity to speak to the homeless there a number of times.
It was a win-win situation for me. It was a chance to practice my preaching and also to share, what I hope to be, relevant messages to a people group who definitely need them. I am thankful that God gave me the chance to dive into His word on a regular basis and share it with those in a tough situation. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to gain a new side of ministry experience and for the relationships I developed during my month at Living Grace!
4. World Cup games and atmosphere
This is very difficult for me to sum up this part of the trip in a paragraph, but I’ll try. I am a huge soccer fan. I love playing it and I love watching it. The night of the World Cup opener a bunch of us decided to head to down town Cape Town to watch the match at the Fan Fest. You can read about this adventure in more detail here:
I will never forget the energy and enthusiasm that saturated the South African air when the first goal of the World Cup was scored by Bafana Bafana. It was electric. I love watching sports with genuine fans of the game and I was grateful to experience this little bit of their history with many of them.
I also had the opportunity to attend two of the World Cup games! The first one I went to was in P.E. The game was South Korea vs. Uruguay. I will never forget walking into that stadium for the first time. One of the best moments of my life, hands down. The second game I went to was similar. This time the game was in Cape Town. The match was between Spain and Portugal. The atmosphere at this game was infectious. Getting to sit less than 50 yards away from Ronaldo was a blast. My throat was a little sore the next day from booing at him the whole time! I am so thankful to my parents who purchased me the ticket as a birthday present. Best present I ever received I think! If you are interested in reading in any more detail about my time at the games here is the link:
Now, it is nearly impossible for me to sufficiently cover how blessed I was this summer to meet, work with, and grow close to this summer. The people that I lived with in the Volunteer House were commonly an inspiration to carry on with a very often, stressful ministry. The people at Living Grace, like I said before, were such a gift to get to know. The people who work at Living Hope, ranging from John and Avril Thomas to Chantelle to many many others who I won’t write about, are doing the Lord’s work in Cape Town and I wish nothing but the best for them and for their ministries! I pretty much fell in love with the local staff at Ocean View. The people who live and minister there are such
Their love for the Lord shows by their daily words and actions. I can’t really describe all the love I have for Ocean View. The kids there were also my favorite. I’ll talk about them a little more later on. Basically all the people ministering for our Savior, Jesus Christ, in Cape Town, are definitely in my “top ten!”
I have made it home safely and I have been lying around the house playing video games and eating chocolate cake for a week. I am finally taking the time to update this blog with some closing thoughts and stories. This will be the first of a three part blog covering my “top ten” experiences in Cape Town, S.A.
These things technically aren’t in an order of importance to me or anything since so many of these things can’t really be rated on a scale!
10. Plane rides and odd traveling experiences
As you may know from a previous post (found here: http://jsheptosouthafrica2010.blogspot.com/2010/05/24-season-finale-not-really-but-this.html) I had some very interesting experiences while traveling to, from, and around the wonderful city of Cape Town. Sitting next to the fat guy throwing back bottles of wine on the plane was certainly an interesting experience but something much weirder happened to me during the trip. One of the “interesting people” I talked to on the flight into Jo-burg, and also wrote about on the blog, I have seen a couple times since our flight.
This girl sat next to me on the flight into Jo-burg. We did talk briefly so there is no doubt we would both recognize each other but we didn’t talk enough where we would want to talk again. Anyways so I had just finished hiking Table Mountain and as I’m standing in line for some food I see her and I’m sure she saw me. I wasn’t sure what to do honestly. Its one of those situations where you half-way know the person but you don’t know them well enough to “want” to talk to them. So I pretended that I did not see her and I’m sure she pretended not to see me. I mean, we aren’t going to see each other again anyway... Right?
Well... That turned out to be wrong. I was watching the terrible movie Clash of the Titans on the flight home from Jo-burg to D.C. And I look up from this terrible excuse for a movie and see this girl standing in line for the bathroom. I started laughing. I’m pretty sure my laughter caused her to look at me but I, very wisely, pretended to be laughing at whatever I was watching on the screen. She and I, once again, both pretended not to notice each other. But I’m sure she saw me and I’m pretty sure that she knew I saw her. We had this unspoken but mutual agreement not to make eye contact or acknowledge the hilarity of seeing each other so many times. But I mean seriously, that is ridiculous! I saw the same girl at three very random times in random places. Anyways I’m sure that is much more interesting to me than to you. Lets move on. In sum traveling has been a very interesting experience for me this summer!
9. Big Ol’ Betty and the Road-trip to Port Elizabeth
Driving a manual, on the left side of the road, at night, in Cape Town, for the first times in my life was a pretty interesting experience! If you didn’t catch that blog entry you can read about my adventure with Justine here: http://jsheptosouthafrica2010.blogspot.com/2010/06/big-ol-betty.html
I will never forget that night...
Speaking of stuff I’ll never forget. Our road trip to P.E. was so incredibly beautiful. Ronny. Justine, and myself drove about 8 hours on the “Garden Route” on the way to my first ever World Cup game. The entire weekend was such a wonderful blessing and I will always treasure it. If you would like to read a little more about that drive and some of the things I saw here is the link for that blog entry: http://jsheptosouthafrica2010.blogspot.com/2010/07/wow-it-is-pretty-hard-to-believe-that.html
8. Touring Robben Island, Visiting the District Six Museum, and reading about S.A.’s unbelievable history
In my blog updates I did not talk much about my experiences with the history of South Africa. I must admit it created an interest in history that had never been there before. The affects of the apartheid and the recent developments in government are still so evident and relevant today. Touring Robben Island I had the chance to explore the famous prison where my new hero, Nelson Mandela, experienced such hardship for 25 years. I mean this island sounds like it comes right out of a fiction horror novel. Oppressive governments have been isolating people there for centuries. Thousands of leapers where isolated to live and die on the island. Prisoners had been mistreated and tortured for decades on the island. All this and much more made the island commonly referred to as “Devil’s Island.”
The view of Table Mountain to your right is the view of Cape Town from Robben Island. Initially many of the prisoners could see this and it would give them some sense of hope for their futures. In order to combat this feeling of hope the government had the prison build walls to block their view of the gorgeous city.
In visiting the “District Six” museum I learned much about how the whites of the apartheid mistreat the colored and blacks in the city. District 6 was at one time a popular place of racial and religious diversity dwelling in the middle of Cape Town. The population was estimated from 60,000 to 70,000. Its economy was thriving and life was pretty good for the residents. Motivated out of fear and possibly jealously the government declared District Six a “Whites Only” area and forced all the residents there to move. The government literally took bulldozers and tore peoples houses down while they watched all simply because of their skin color. This forced removal of non-whites out of the middle of the city to the outskirts caused many to lose not only their homes but their jobs. The distance one would travel for work was greatly increased and a great number of residents could not maintain their jobs in the city. Only recently (about 16 years since ANC took over the government) have people begun to move back into the areas they used to live. As you may know, Nelson Mandela was a huge factor in the reestablishment of democracy and equal treatment for all.
I have had the opportunity to read a couple books about Mandela’s life. I won’t tell you all the details (since if you were interested you could look it up yourself :) but I just want to say that I am utterly impressed with this mans devotion to equality for all. His sacrificed nearly his entire life to this cause. He suffered for decades under the oppression of the whites. And when he finally gained power over the country in 1994 he had all the means in the world to create a civil war and run the whites out of the country. But he didn’t. Instead, somehow this man chose to forgive. And not only did he forgive he convinced countless others to forgive. It was a truly heroic and beautiful thing he did for South Africans not very long ago. We could all learn much about life from this man.
7. Handing out food to the children
When I wrote about my first day at Kid’s Club in Ocean View I told you about how much I loved handing out the oranges to the kids and how disappointed I was when we couldn’t give the kids two oranges because many of them were rotten. I said that many children probably wouldn’t come if we did not give them food. Well I’m sure that is true to some extent I do think they enjoyed coming and worshipping with us. I’m pretty sure they enjoyed coloring. And I am sure they enjoyed watching and laughing as I moved my hips and shook my butt to their songs! Handing the kids their much needed food every afternoon was truly rewarding and I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to be a small part of it!
Well my faithful readers, thanks for taking the time to read a little about the trip. I hope that you can find something here which will encourage you or motivate you! Writing about the trip has given such a great opportunity to reflect on the blessings I have experienced over the summer! I'll update part 2 of this blog on Friday!
Hello again everyone. I just finished my last day in Cape Town. My flight is leaving tomorrow at noon. I will be home on Monday. It feels so weird to finally be leaving. It is so weird to think back to my first day here in S.A. I felt like a mouse lost in a complex maze. I had no idea where I was and much of what was expected of me. I was nervous about how my ministry would play out here and how the people I would be living and working with would accept me. Now, I feel as though I am leaving a little part of myself here in South Africa, especially in Ocean View and Living Grace. I am no longer scared to drive around this foreign city on the "wrong" side of the road. I now know where many things are around here and have experienced so much more than I could have hoped for coming here. I feel at complete ease here. I will never forget many of the people I have met here and I love to think about how God will use their lives and their ministry in the future. I can easily say that this summer has been the most memorable in my life for multiple reasons. The scenery here is second to none, by far the most beautiful place I have ever been. The people and kids I have worked with, played soccer with, ministered to, and been ministered by were such a blessing and I couldn't be more thankful for the relationships that I have been involved in.
I am so thankful to those of you who have continually kept me in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much to those of you who gave financially to this trip. Your support means more to me than I could ever express in a few sentences. I thank the Lord for His support of my ministry here through you all and through those I have met here.
Well, like I said before, my plane leaves tomorrow so I think I'll do some reading and a little reflection over the past 2 1/2 months I've been here, then head to bed. I plan on writing more about what I have done and learned while here during the plane ride tomorrow.
Thanks once again for all of your help, prayer, and support.
Hello again to everyone! Thanks so much for stopping by the blog. Today what I’m writing will be a little different than normal (and much more lengthy!). I was reading Donald Miller’s blog the other day and he mentioned a little contest, so I have decided to give it a go. The winner of this contest gets to attend a conference run by Don. The purpose of this conference is to learn how to live a better life/story. One may win the contest and attend the conference for free if they are chosen. Don and his staff will choose a winner based upon a blogger’s personal story and what he or she specifically wants to do with their future as well. This is what I plan on writing about today, so I hope you all enjoy! The video about the conference is below.
And here is the link to the website: www.donmilleris.com/conference
People remember stories. People are much more likely to remember a story which communicates a certain truth as opposed to simply a list of facts. It’s no wonder the Gospel is saturated with stories. These stories range from the Jesus’ many parables to the legendary history found in the Old Testament. The Bible is filled with stories because we can relate to them, because we can put ourselves in the place of the protagonist(s). We can cry, suffer, and rejoice with the character as the great stories of their lives play out in front of us. People read and hear these stories and are touched but too often people overlook the fact that our lives are also stories. Sometimes, we just become content with our day to day current situation and life. But lets try looking at our lives as stories instead. Stories that that people will want to tell others about and most importantly, stories that will point others toward the overarching and ever relevant story of the Gospel. This conference, as I see it, is about helping seemingly “normal” people strive to lead blessed and story filled lives that ultimately point towards the story of Jesus dying on the cross for all. People will hopefully look back on the story of our lives and see, not how we personally created our story, but rather how God worked through us to show his glory.
This is what I believe the famous stories of David and Goliath, Job, Esther, and Daniel all do. If you look at all of the heroes of the Old Testament, most have flaws. Moses was disobedient to the Lord’s command. Noah had trouble with alcohol. Samson and David were easily tempted. These examples go on and on. It all seems to say that even ordinary people can be used by the Lord. The stories of these peoples lives were so great that it was obvious the Lord worked in their lives. The more flawed we are as people, it seems the more God can show his glory through us.
At first, after looking at the number of comments already on Don’s blog I seriously considered just ignoring the possibility of winning. There were already 188 people that had entered and I thought that what I want to do with my life would be relatively boring compared to all these other people. But then I got to thinking about the purpose of living my life as a story. No one, including myself, is going to care about my story or remember my life if I don’t take risks and try things that aren't guaranteed. The foundation needed to live my life as a story to be remembered is to take risks, it is to do things that I would normally not do if I wanted to stay comfortable. But nobody tells the story of the dude who just sat in his room stuffing his face with Chinese food, playing Call of Duty while Facebook chatting with some other dudes playing Call of Duty stuffing their faces with Chinese food. So I decided to take a risk in writing this little bit of my personal story by putting it out there for others to read; and I decided to take a risk to be sitting where I am sitting right now.
I have been in Cape Town for about 9 weeks now. This is my second time out of the country (I had travelled to Mbeya, Tanzania with my father in High School but that’s a story for another time ;) and it was a fairly quick decision for me to come here. One day in the caf at my university, I heard my friend Justine talking about a mission trip to South Africa for the World Cup and I knew immediately that I was interested. I looked in to it a little more and I discovered the trip with my church was for only 10 days. I felt as though this would not be worth the amount of money I was paying for plane tickets for this short amount of time so I just decided to go for as long as I possibly could (this ended up being just over 10 weeks). I decided to go for 10 weeks so my time here would give me an opportunity to develop relationships with the locals and create not only interesting, but meaningful relationships and stories throughout the summer. Something I certainly would not have done a year earlier. Let me tell you why.
College.
Its a time of new beginnings and new ideas. I knew coming into college that I wanted to go into the ministry, as well as pursue a relatively easy major, so I decided to become a Religion major. Meaning I would focus on Biblical studies and dive into theology and become the perfect pastor kind of thing...
My first semester Sophomore year I began taking Hebrew and I took a class called “Studies in the Prophets.” The first day of the class I got into an argument with the professor about how Genesis 1 must be taken as scientifically accurate and it must be literal. You see, I thought the world must have been created in 6 days and that the world was only about 6,000 years old. I thought every word in the Bible was spelled correctly and everything about it was perfect in terms of grammar, science and chronology. Needless to say it was a very challenging semester. In fact, it was the first time in my life I began to care about my education and my understanding/view of the world. I began reading the Bible more closely (in Hebrew and English) and I also began considering what scientists were saying. I had always thought that science was set against Christianity and that the goal of modern science was to prove God non-existent. I read a lot of C.S. Lewis, some Stephen Hawking, a little Darwin, a little Einstein, and a bit of Augustine. Now, for those of you that know me well, you know that C.S. Lewis is my role model (aside, of course from Christ) and that I deeply respect all of his writing. I was reading Mere Christianity one day and something he wrote struck me.
He said essentially that it would be foolish for a person to choose Christianity if they believed the evidence for it was not good or absent. Hawking said the universe was actually about 14.5 billion years old and that the earth is about 4.5 billion years old. (using plate tectonics, radiation aftermath, and many other means to support this) I read Dawkins and read some pretty interesting and possible stuff about evolution. I even heard Christian scientists say that the “theory of evolution” is a theory in the same sense as our “theory of germ infection” and our “theory of gravity.” I read Einstein and other reliable physicists who supported the above ideas. And then I read Augustine. Augustine said that one should follow the truth wherever it leads them. And if God is true then He will be shown to be true, since if God is the truth neither He nor us need to hide from it (meaning that I should not be intentionally ignorant of what science claims). So I considered all of these factors along with the problem of evil in the world and several additional major theological problems inherent in Christianity and I gradually lost my faith.
I will never forget the many sleep-deprived nights I used to argue with myself at lying in bed. I would lose hours and hours of sleep thinking about the above and much more. I wanted God to exist so badly and yet it seemed as if the “truth” was pointing away from God. I wanted to be honest with myself and “follow the truth wherever it may lead.” I will never forget the night I whispered to myself, so my roommate wouldn’t hear me, “I don’t believe in God. I really do not believe that God exists.” I don’t cry very often but I did that night. I cried that I had lost my faith. I did not cry because I thought that life was meaningless and that nothing would happen when I died. I didn’t cry because life was without purpose and I didn’t even cry because I no longer had a relationship with God. Quite the opposite! I actually thought it was pretty funny that humans, myself included, had tricked themselves into belief in God in order to create for themselves some kind of “hope” for the future. God was “the imaginary friend” that almost everyone sang to and prayed to but was never there.
Instead I cried because I felt I could no longer be the person I wanted to be or felt that I should be. I cried because I wanted to help people and give them a reason to hope and I felt I could not lie to them. I cried because I had wasted nearly two years of my college career on religious studies and now had to do something else with my life. I cried because I was afraid that my friends would find out and that they would reject me or judge me. I cried because I thought my unbelief would deeply hurt and disappoint my parents. All very selfish reasons honestly.
So I decided not to tell anyone about my unbelief. Not a single person. I lived this way for about 6 months that year. But I tell you the truth when I say that the things I cried about in the previous chapter hurt me very badly over the next 6 months. I still laid in bed for hours trying to argue why God does/should exist. I wanted him to exist but I couldn’t find the logical foundation for a belief in him.
I was never an atheist. Never will be. I was an agnostic. If I am ever to lose my belief in Jesus Christ as God or the existence of the Christian God I would never be an atheist. I feel, and have always felt, it a fairly illogical position. Let me explain briefly. The atheist (and I am stereotyping here) generally claims that belief in a God without proof is essentially silliness. Additionally, an atheist generally accepts modern science and attempts to use it as means to prove or disprove the existence of God. But the problem comes in here for me: Science can only “prove” something if it is able to be tested. The possibility that God exists cannot be tested (because it is a spiritual existence not necessarily a physical one) and therefore cannot be proven to be non-existent. So if science cannot prove or disprove God (however, it can and does give evidence for both sides of the argument) then there is some “belief” involved in the unbelieving atheist. You see, the common atheist says God doesn’t exist because it can’t be proven, but therein lies the problem in their position: God cannot be disproven either. Therefore there is some type of belief/faith involved in being an atheist. They don’t have absolute proof they just think they do. A Christian may also believe they have absolute proof but I would argue they probably don’t. I thought, and still believe today, that the most logical position on this issue is to be agnostic.
But as my life progressed that year I learned life is not all about logic (as much as I wish it was). You cannot prove logically that love exists. And it is a rare person indeed who would argue that love does not exist. And this idea led me to say that:
Logically, it seems that logic is not always logical.
Meaning logic tells me that logic cannot apply in all aspects of life (such as love or altruism) and it is therefore fairly illogical to attempt to use logic to explain the illogical.
Does this make any sense? If not, think about it... And if it still doesn’t then maybe I’m being illogical...
I then decided to read a bunch of books trying to find a way to logically regain my faith, allowing for the possibility of being illogical as just discussed. I read everything from Lee Strobel’s The Case for a Creator (which was scientifically terrible) to The Reason for God by Tim Keller to The Language of God, by the head of the Human Genome Project, Francis Collins. And aside for the pretty conservative arguments (like The Case for a Creator) these books and books like them helped establish a logical foundation for a belief in a deity. Even Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking, believe there is a strong scientific argument for the existence of a god and not only that but it seems as though Hawking would say there probably is a some kind of deity out there. It also encouraged me to read intelligent people who believed in God and Christ as his son, like Francis Collins. It encouraged me to read C.S. Lewis give his account of what the story of Adam and Eve may have been like if God did in fact use evolution as a means to his creation (Yes, he did this. It’s in the Problem of Pain). I discovered that smart people can believe in God. It no longer seemed intellectual suicide to believe in Christianity and science. I won’t go into the specifics on my beliefs about science and Christianity since that is not the point of this story. I will just say this: You can be a genuine Christian and think the world is a little older than 6,000 years, you can be a Christian if you believe much of what modern science teaches is correct, and contrastingly, I also believe you can be a Christian if you think that science is the enemy of Christianity (as naive as I believe that may be). I do believe you are fooling yourself if you say that God could not have used a certain method or a certain process in creation. You would be limiting not only your thinking but also His power. I say this not to offend you but to encourage you. And, of course, I may be completely wrong on all of this!
Ok, back to the story...
At this point, I now had the logic basis for belief in Christianity but was lacking the experiential basis for belief. I don’t think that every case one is saved by a prayer to Jesus asking him into his or her heart during an emotionally driven service at a Christian youth camp in middle school. That may be the case for some but it seems as if that is not the case for all. I know my faith did not just reappear instantly when I prayed that prayer... And prayed it again.... And again... And again. There was not tree of faith that instantly sprung up in my life, rather, it was a process. Like a seed planted in the ground that sprouts and slowly grows root by root and branch by branch until it becomes a tree. And such was the story of my newfound faith. The logical foundation was my seed and the Christians I met during the summer of 2009, who discipled me, helped my seed grow a little bit and over the course of that summer at “Beach Project” and the following year, with a few droughts here and there, I have continued to grow my tree of faith. Praise God.
So now it has been just over a year since that seed was planted and has continued to grow. This past two months I have spent in Cape Town has caused my faith to be seriously challenged and in the process, greatly strengthened. I heard someone famous, whom I can’t remember, say: “A fire tested faith is a strong faith.” I fight doubt and belief every single day of my life (often on an hourly basis) and it often makes life miserable. But I hold on to the Lord and trust that in the end he will use the time I have spent in torment over these beliefs to increase and strengthen my faith.
Don and friends, that is my story. I apologize for its length (and believe it or not, it is a shortened version)! As far as my future story, I have long term plans and short term. Long term I want to get my doctorate in theology and then in cosmology so I can travel the country speaking to college students and others that have doubts or questions about the Christian faith. I plan on using my knowledge of the Bible and theology combined with knowledge of modern science and physics to show and encourage others to consider the realistic possibility that there is, in fact, a God. And if there is a God that designed the universe with just the perfect conditions in order for life to exist, He might even care enough to come down and spend some time with us. Then again that is very long term and my life certainly may not head in that direction but I’ll go where God leads and I’m not too worried about it!
As far as short term goals. I am heading into my final year in college as a fourth year religion major. I plan on getting involved in my local Campus Outreach and working with our Religion Department at my school to organize group or individual meetings where new religion majors or any who have legitimate doubts about Christianity can come and talk to someone who can relate.
The real reason I cried that night was simply because I was alone. I had no one I could talk to about it. I couldn’t tell my friends my doubts and questions because I didn’t want to cause them to doubt their faith. I was so jealous of what I saw as their ignorance. I just wanted someone to talk to about my doubts and I had absolutely no one to speak with. If I could have merely spoken some of my doubts to someone who could relate to me, I may not have lost my faith and had these hellish debates and wars with myself every night of my life for months. I want to give these slightly younger people someone they can talk to about their doubts and someone they can open up to about their problems with Christianity. I heard somewhere that 75% percent of Christians lose their faith coming out of High School and into College. For those that study the both the Bible and science closely, I’m sure the statistics are much worse.
I want to use my next couple of years to prevent this type of thing. I want to work though individuals doubts and fears and point them to a God who accepts and understands their doubts. A God who allows us to be tested for the betterment of ourselves and those around us. And finally, a God who will love and accept us whether or not we have a perfect theology or understanding of science. This is my story. My story that I hope will point towards the much greater and overarching story of the Gospel. I’m sure that attending this conference would be of great benefit in helping me discover more specific ways to make my story greater and, at the same time, more transparent. Transparent in the sense that they would not see my story as a story about me, but rather a story which inevitably point towards Christ’s influence in my life.
Like I said before, I almost did not enter this story in the contest because I’m sure there are many other great and unique stories out there to choose from. But making my life story interesting means taking risks like telling everyone who reads this blog my testimony which I often hesitate to tell. My story is simple and my goal is clear. Thank the Lord that the gospel is as well. His story is simple and his goal is unequivocally clear. I only hope that through this story and my stories to come that I can clearly reflect the overarching story of the Christ.
For those of you who are here read more about my trip, I will have an update about the previous week here at Living Grace and Ocean View as soon as I get the chance!
